Is it the end or the beginning????

That is the question I have been asking myself for some time now. The subject? My baby, JT, is starting school. VPK. Yeah, it is only for a half of day. But it marks the start of his long school career ahead.

We have been crazy busy this summer. We normally are busy, but even more so this summer. I think honestly it has been my defense mechanism so to speak. Trying to cram all I can into the weeks before both of my children are in school............now we just have summers to be carefree like that. Neither one of them will be home with me all day, everyday. And that, believe it or not, makes me so sad.

I have been home for just about seven years now. When we started we thought it would be for one. But here we are, all this time later. I have been with them, everyday, through everything. Admittedly, there were many a days, that I was wishing I could be working. Staying home fulltime is truly the hardest job I have ever done, or I believe ever will do. Yet, the other side to that, the much brighter, fulfilling side is simply I HAVE been home. It is such a huge blessing. A blessing I feel was hand delivered by God. My husband, has worked hard in so many ways to provide this for us. And God has been there allowing him to be able to do that. I wouldn't change a thing. But now I am faced with my dilemma. My question.

Tonight I go to JT's VPK meeting. Tomorrow, he meets his teacher and sees his classroom. One of the things I am so thankful for is once again God has provided for me. He has put people in my life to go through this with. Things that have happpened in the past, have now come to light as part of His plan. My daughter last year, could have become best friends at school with 89 other Kindergartners. But He led her to Grace. Which led me to Sarah, a friend I have had only a year, yet I feel like we have known each other since we were kids. Her family is truly one of, if not, THE most sincere, caring and loving families I have ever met. And now, her little girl, Ruby and my little boy JT are in the same class. That will greatly help me to go through this with someone I feel close to. Also, last year, when I had my brief teaching career at CHUMP, I wondered what in the world God brought me there for to have it end how it did. One of the answers I have found, was so that I could meet another new friend that was totally unexpected. I loved her daughter to pieces when I was teaching, and now I love her mom so much also. We didn't even become friends until after I left, but what a blessing Annie is. Even though her little girl will not be in the same class as JT, we will both go through it together, and I am so thankful we will!!! She has turned out to be one of my greatest sources of strength when things have been going crazy and again, I feel like we have known each other so long, she is just that special.

So I guess the answer is both. It is the end of things the way they have been. But the begining of a new way for us. New doesn't mean bad. Just different. And through it all, I keep reminding myself, that JT will love it. There will be a transition, I am sure. But he will love it........

.......even if he did ask me again last night if I could just homeschool him!!!!

The phone call..........

Well it has been about 48 hours now since the call came. It was the call I have been dreading for the last four years. After I saw I missed NINE calls from my husband, I had a knot in my stomach already knowing he would not call like that unless something was wrong.

The phone had been in our bedroom and I didn't hear it. I decided I had better go get it because he would be calling me soon. I saw the missed calls and quickly dialed his number. No answer. While waiting to hear the voice I have heard for the last seventeen years on a daily basis, my phone beeped. It was Gary. And then there it was...the five words I have dreaded....."I've been in an accident"........................


What? What? What? I said, more tears coming out each time I asked. After finding out if he was ok, I realized my heartrate had now caught up with the million thoughts flying through my head. I couldn't believe it. He sounded ok...but shaken up, I knew if he was shaken up it was bad. But I didn't even ask about the car.

Once I was able to schedule the tow truck to meet him.... in the ditch, on the interstate... I asked how the car was. Pretty banged up, was what I heard. Then I asked, what happened. I still could not believe it! Getting the kids ready to go pick him up, they were oblivious! Thankfully. There biggest question was if daddy was going to get to stay home from work tomorrow while his car got fixed! God certainly does take care of everything! :)

Driving home, with all of us together, I just kept giving praise to God for the biggest blessing in my life I have been given, Gary. I thanked him for not taking him away from us whether it would have been to the hospital, or worse. Nothing else mattered. Not how we would get around without his car, the insurance deductible, the fact that the accident was clearly not any fault of my husband's and not knowing if the car could even be fixed or not. All that mattered in the entire world was that he was ok. And with that knowledge, we were all better than ok!

The celebrating continues...........

Today, JT got to open two more birthday presents, from his Aunt Donna and Uncle Lou. He loves them!!! Such perfect gifts for him.....a bug vacuum and a backyard safari to keep his new friends in!!!!!!!!!

I still cannot believe that he is FOUR! That is so big to me.....maybe because he is my baby, I just don't want to see this time slip through my hands. I remember the day we brought him home. We were not sure if he liked us! Seriously!!! I was thinking, I hope he warms up to us! He did quickly!

I thought he was sooo tiny, and he had over a pound on his sister when she was born! I wish I could go back and watch it all again. A movie of his little life. His sweetness, smiles, hugs, and even the meltdowns he has had! They all make up who he is.

Some days, I think how in the world am I going to get him ready to one day, go out into the world and be a good man. It seems like so much work to get him ready for that. I don't know how it will all be accomplished. I get overwhelmed if I let myself think about it. One day, he will be grown. One day, he will have his own job, own family, his own home and his own difficulties and triumphs in life. Just how do Gary and I prepare him for that! I don't know, but maybe that is the reason God gives us 18+ plus years to do that work!!!!!! I will definately need that time. Until then, I will love him, and sneak kissses to him at night when he is sleeping so he doesn't wipe them off. And when he has a meltdown, like he does, I will keep reminding myself, one day I will be WISHING for that meltdown as I will be wishing for and longing for these days!!!!!!!

What we don't know........

I am so guilty of going through life, thinking I know the best thing for me. The best thing for my children. Even the best thing for my husband. I admit it. I get caught up in that easily. Then, when something does not work out, the way I believed it would, I am quick to think, why don't things go the way they are supposed to!

What I forget is that, I am not in control. God is. And honestly, He is the only one who knows. He knows what we think. He knows what we feel. He knows what we are going through now and in the future. He just knows...........US.

I try so hard to "figure out" things. I worry about things. I try to "fix" things. The answer is really simple. You would think it would be so easy to just do what we are supposed to do.....trust in our Lord. He sees things we cannot. Whether they be now, or years from now.

I look now at things that happened in my life, and think literally years later.......ahhhh that was His Plan. That is what He knew. That is how He protected me. And then there are the things that perhaps we will not know in our life on Earth. That is ok.

The last year, has been a hard one in a lot of ways. And along the way, I cried out many times to God for help on so many different levels. I only now, can look back and see, the Blessings I was given. Not only by having God in charge of so many things so much bigger than me. But by the people He put around me. The ones He made sure focussed on me in all the ways I need. And it is that knowledge, that comfort that makes me realize, what we don't know is ok. It is ok because the One who needs to know, does. And He will always provide for us in every way, even if it is in ways we don't know we need.

Where does the time go?!!!!!!?

People say it ALL the time. But it is SO true! Where. Does. The. Time. GO????

Literally, it seems like in the blink of an eye, the two little people in our lives have gone from tiny helpless little babies to two, individual, independent bigger people. We were married over ten years before we were given these gifts. Ten years. That is a long time. Yet, now I think....what the heck did we do for TEN years just the two of us? Now I can't imagine one day without either of them, yet alone years. Amazing. All I know now, is I don't want even one day without them......had I known what the other side of this would have been like......I don't think I could have waited even a day for them. We are so blessed.